[White Sands1102-02 by Carlos Esguerra,
whose photo exhibit I got to see a few weeks ago.]
____

See something beautiful like that,
and you can only think of ways to ruin it -
a tiny tremble,
a quick blink,
a slow exhale,
a subtle flutter,
a quiet gulp,
another second longer, one second too late.
Run a montage of small body movements in your head -
small subconscious, almost reflex-like movements -
violently gentle.
Feel sudden tearing at your guts,
dread that imminent moment of fatality
with feverish helplessness.
Beauty causes fear,
of wanting
inadequately,
of surrendering
your strength,
of losing
what you cannot have,
of missing
the pain.
Experience something beautiful like that,
and you can only fear tragedy.
____

*Fear by Sarah McLachlan.

i didn't take pictures of the activities at the sunken garden nor of that lunch we had at the UP Arcade. darnit.

really crappy camera photos. it's the thought that counts. XD

Acad Oval shots.






Sunken Garden sunset.



And then, I had gimiks and parties to go to. :)


____

an A-okay day for things i miss and love. :)

i have just found something to do on Saturday mornings.

ibalik natin ang Sunken Garden summer na yun. c;

and because I found out too late, and knowing, too, that the Malcolm Theatre only has a seating capacity of 300 or so [i think], I cannot make it to iBlog4.

and i love the homemade Gatorade Frank brings to football. :)

Almost too proud of its prolonged absence, that 10-minute rainfall was as enthusiastic as a person in a state of coma.

My head was bowed down as I was walking along Katipunan this morning on my way to work, when the slow but heavy spatter of rain distracted me.

Did it rain that summer? I harked back to one of my fondest summer memories, that summer after my second year in college. I had opted to take summer classes again because I didn't have anything else to do. I wanted to free up some units of my regular semester's load so I could take the courses I wanted that wouldn't be credited as part of my curriculum.

I squinted my eyes as I ran under a gentler sprinkle towards the spot where I'd usually pick a jeepney to get on. I say 'pick' because I could actually get on any one of them, my stop being about two blocks away anyway. The jeepneys that look the oldest and most worn-out usually don't play that eardrum-busting trash and usually run slower. I pick those.

I thought about that summer while I waited for about five minutes. I had two hours daily each of Environmental Science with my blockmate Klara and her UPIS batchmates, and Sociology with the other CMC regulars. We'd have lunch at the CASAA with the rest of our blockmates, and then keenly troop over to our "marked territory" at the Sunken Garden. The manong sorbetero and all the other lovely merienda vendors probably did some internal triumphant yelling every time they saw this small group of four or five, which later on grew to more than 10 after hearing what the fun was all about, gather again for their daily tambay.

"Ma, bayad po." i had gotten on the jeepney of my choice and immediately handed over eight pesos to the person seated beside me. My coins reached the hands of, presumably, the driver's wife, who dropped them into the empty air-freshener can and proceeded to call out to would-be passengers. She didn't make a move to return my 50 cents. Oh, well. I watched the people at the sidewalk bring out and unfold their fidgety carry-anywhere umbrellas. 'Tis of course the country where your umbrella will put to many uses--during any season, at any time of the day, for the rain, the heat or that robber caught off-guard. I got off after a minute to get on another jeepney, paid 10 pesos and got back three pesos for my change. Well, it was apparently meant to be.

We'd usually make it to our favorite spot at around 3 pm; then, we'd avoid the painful midday glare. I learned somewhere, though--I'm not sure if it was at that Environmental Science class--that the hottest time of the day is actually at 3pm in the afternoon. We would sit or lie down on the grass, later on the balding, sun-cracked ground, sometimes on some sleeping bag or picnic mat one of us would think of bringing. We studied, ate, debated, played the guitar, read our favorite books, played cards--our favorite game would have to be the Siraan ng Pagkakaibigan--and got kiddie grass cuts and bruises with patintero and habulang-upo. I don't think it ever rained while we hung out there.

Five minutes went by and I had to get off the jeep again. The rain had stopped. I bowed my head down again because the sun was too fierce, even for the shy breeze. It was a good five-minute walk to my office, and I thought about how much fun we had, how uncaring we could afford to be, how free we were then.
____

some old photos i had taken with my ohone then:

i had been stressed senseless for almost 10 months since June last year.

now that school's out, i terribly miss all the action--getting up before sunrise to get ready for work, rushing to UP after work, studying [while hanging out, smoking, having coffee, sleeping. yes, it's doable.] after classes until it's time to get ready for work again.

although, i still have my job and i do not think i am missing malcolm just yet, ay em jas rili bord.

first and foremost and that which has been madly bothering me since last month, I AM BROKE.

so, here's a violent virtual headshake to not-free out-of-town/country trips, holiday sales, grand reunions, retail therapy and Dutch dates.

hang out at home, you say.

my TV has given up, my PC has not been fixed [and remember, i'm broke. so i can't do anything about that.] and i live alone.

i work the afternoon shift, i get home an hour before midnight, and i have trouble sleeping. i wake up really early in the morning if for some cosmic reason i get to sleep, i move furniture until lunchtime, get something cheap to eat, and head to work.

in fact, i think i spend most of the day doing head calcs of my daily expenses.

if i'm lucky, i hear of some free event that's happening on the weekend, and that would be the most activity i'd have had the whole week. haha.

so, this is an emergency shout-out to all those who know of FREE events, dinners, what-have-yous that i can maybe check out or crash. SERIOUSLY. i was fatally busy for the last 10 months, and i have to make the most out of this vacation. haha.

some short-time freelance job would probably help, too. c;

it sucks, really. what having all this free time does to me is make me think of all the things i don't have. and it depresses me shitless. and when i'm depressed shitless, i become all emo and literary and musical. haha. gamit na gamit na lahat ng notebook sa bahay.
____

you break my heart like it's what you've been raised to do.

the sequel to the first reaction by chovanchorvalyn.

and an extended definition of the domesticated gwapo by kurkeh.

ang galing! c;

MAYA
The simple translation for maya is "illusion." When we go further, we find that maya refers to "material existence." But this doesn't mean to imply that material existence is an illusion. An excellent explanation of this is found in "The Tao of Physics" by Fritjof Capra. He says: "Maya does not mean that the world is an illusion, as is often wrongly stated. The illusion merely lies in our point of view. Maya is the illusion of mistaking our relative perspective for reality, of confusing the map with the territory." The philosophy behind all of this is that the material world exists, yet it is temporary. When we see it as permanent, then we are mistaken. Material things are measurable, they take place in space and time. What is permanent is the spiritual, which takes place beyond space and time. The spiritual is limitless, boundless, full of infinite potential. This is the true reality.

vain, i know. but it was too fantastic to pass up. haha.
____

my use of the operator "define:" is actually a Google search feature that can be typed in along with the word you're looking up to show you a list of definitions and references gathered from various online sources.

try it. c:
____

"For want of a nail, the horseshoe was lost.
For want of a horseshoe, the steed was lost.
For want of a steed, the message was not delivered.
For want of an undelivered message, the war was lost."

-"The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift"